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To keep it simple....Someone asked me at church on Sunday, "Could you use $10,000?"

follies of youth

Psychoanalysis and things of the sort have been on my mind quite recently. It appears someone I know of, and deeply cared for in the past, is getting married. We shared many a night walking on the beach, having conversations on a bench while the lunar gravitonics made a hopelessly romantic ambiance of crashing waves. Things were shared that I'm sure neither of us will forget, or at least I won't. And now as her wedding approaches I think to myself...WHY THE FUNDIP WILL IT NOT BE ME STANDING BESIDE HER. I use capitals to show how loud this is sounding in my head.

Emotions are a tricky thing to understand, but I know loud and clear my heart and mind want to reach out and slap me for not pursuing this fine specimen of femalekind. But instead of dealing with emotions, my twisted head is trying to analyze where things went wrong, or if not wrong where did they go period. And really I don't know. I was once told I had a fear of commitment. Possible I guess. It would explain why I hate actually starting things in the first place. I always get a nervous tension/anxiety right before I set out on a new adventure. The only thing that usually pulls me through is my ignorant/immortal mindset. That and I can usually talk my way out of just about anything. But I digress...i see relationships as a different type of commitment. It's different than a new job, or buying a new car. The whole "interaction" part scares me. I like to be in control of every situation possible. I know I can't, but I like to think I can a lot of the time. So what happened those few years ago....

The easy answer is to say we grew apart I guess. She moved on and found a nice guy, I've never had a "real" relationship, or at least what I would call real. I'm almost 24, and part of me says get some direction, the other says drive it till the mothertruckin wheels fall off.

That's where it stands.

If any females out there read this and want to go to a wedding, give me a holler. If not, give me a holler for the heck of it...always nice to meet another pretty face.

B

I Told Him I was a Cleaner

I don't know who reads this garbage. If YOU do, enjoy.


How much of our lives are wasted on thinking about useless things. For myself, I'd say 90%. That means that the other 10% is either sleeping, eating, or working diligently (as opposed to working while convincing myself of something). Here are a few of the things I've thought of in the last week.

Is it weird that I sit in my room all day because I don't like the people I live with, and do they think I'm some sort of hermit freak who has no friends to hang out with?

After the effort I took to download Kirby Superstars shouldn't it be a longer game? And why do my housemates laugh at me when they see me playing nintendo games on my computer?

If my housemate's boyfriend calls me Justipoo one more time and I hit him, I mean really whollop him, will I hurt him bad enough he'll stop coming over?

Why did the girls upstairs get a cat without asking me but asking my housemate Martin?

Is it wrong to put people in socially awkward situations if they piss you off? (ie. when ur with a crowd of friends, would it be wrong to say something that would make one person alone feel awkward in front of a group)

Why did a 40yr woman hit on me?

Are all white girls psycho and clingy or just the ones I meet.

Why is my facebook life more interesting than my real one.

Is it too late to start taking Rogain?

If BJP opens his mouth once more, could I stick a toothpick in there vertically so I wouldn't have to hear his voice anymore?

What are these dots on my hand? They weren't there last week.

That's it for now

Feeling

What's the difference between feeling and feelings? Do we actually feel feelings? Or maybe we just have feelings.

What happens when you have so many negative feelings that you forget how or what the good ones feel like? Is it possible to lose the sensation you get from good feelings? Is it possible to never feel a positive feeling again? That's where I find myself.

Being of an analytical mind, everything must have meaning or cause. I was lucky enough to get a mind that races non-stop every minute of the day and night.

I've gone to sleep at night and had my mind race the whole night through while asleep. I wake up in the morning and before I open my eyes I think, where am I? I have no idea where I last was and I get a tiny anxiety attack before I open my eyes and realize where I am.

So, as of late there has been someone who hasn't talked or even acknowledged me. Before last week we were, at least I thought, good friends. I won't give you all the little details which i've poured over at least 20 times a day for the last week, but I can't find anywhere that really would have made them upset with me. I emailed the person last night and asked if everything was ok with them. They replied with a simple "Yep".

The weird thing is we have classes together and the person in question didn't talk to me during or after class.

So I've analyzed till i'm exhausted every night this week. I am drained of all emotional energy and wish all memories of this person would just leave me.

I'm in a lab with this person for 6 hours on monday. It's either going to get better or worse, there isn't any middle ground here. I've found my mind doesn't enter into neutral mode.

Because of You

Simple words can have impacts which are not always apparent to the person saying them.

Today someone told me they enjoyed something because of me. At first I just brushed it off. But I thought about what it meant. The idea that someone can enjoy something which would ordinarily be mundane and boring, maybe even difficult, with me being a part of it made me smile on the inside.

So if the only reason you do something is because someone else makes it bearable, or even enjoyable, tell them. It may not mean much to you, but it could mean the world to them.

J

It's a long road to the cup

I will be submitting a team roster for the 2007 Winter Coed Soccer intramural season at the University of Ottawa. Because of our poor performance last season, I feel we need to up the ante and get to the registration line even EARLIER than last year. While thinking about how we are going to win the championship next march, it got me thinking about a topic often talked about but not always taken to heart.

So how will we win the cup come March 2007? It's going to take a lot of goals I suspect. Setting them and scoring them. We have all been told at somepoint, probably more than once, to set life goals. So we write down 10 things we WANT to do before we die. Or we write down what we want out of life. Some will write down what they want right at that moment.

So why do this? Does it make us look at our desires and realize there are so many that it's ridiculous to try to accomplish them all? Maybe it shows how needy we are to have material things around us to build a comfort zone. I can't say for every situation, BUT I can speak from a few experiences on a couple of the ways we view goals, or at least the way I do.

Life goals. What's a life goal? To most it is something they wish to accomplish before they die. I was watching the Ellen talkshow one day, my remote broke and was stuck, and she encouraged everyone to write down 100 things they want to DO before they die. If you want my opinion, this list should be called, Things I will do when I get bored with life list. Most of the stuff she had, and the people she had send her theirs, were things like climb a mountain, meet a celebrity, learn spanish, drink a cup of coffee from a coffee shop in every US capitol, etc. There was however a few items which were to the tune of volunteering for Red Cross in a war torn country, work at a soup kitchen, and care for children in Africa.

I've found that making these lists gives perspective and sets a mind frame. It's nice to be able to look at a list realize you want to do a lot of "living" before you die, but how do you do it? Mindset I think dictates the do'ers, from the list'ers. I myself never saw the use of making big LIFE LISTS, but recently it has become an idea which I might find useful. Instead, I have been taking whatever situation I'm in on a daily basis and making a goal for it. I've found if you have a goal in mind for a lot of situations and can achieve that goal, your mindset for success starts to "reframe". Now if you take a week long goal, whatever that may be, you'll start to see how little goals every day can lead up to getting the big goal at the end.

Just as a possible example, you want to add people to your network of daily people you chat with by the water cooler. So day one, you walk by someone who looks interesting and notice something about them, anything, no talking, just smile or give the NOA, nod of acknowledgement. Next day, you see them and you say hello, and ask how their day is. Next day, ask them about something you noticed monday and start a conversation. So by the end of the week you feel comfortable talking and interacting with someone you have never talked to until a couple of days ago.

I've found this builds confidence, it shows how easy it is to notice interesting things about random people, and how to talk to them about anything.

So why this topic? Girls of course! By setting small goals to build confidence, like saying hi to 10 women every day for a week. Then asking how their day is the next week, etc. This kind of learning by repitition is amazing at how fast it works. But of course there are always times where you say, I can't find anything to talk about. I watched a guy in a seminar spew off at least 20 things which are a snap learn which a lot of people find interesting. The one I picked up on is handwriting analysis. I have always been interested in why I have such crappy handwriting, now I'm actually learning! This type of thing is called a "crutch". If NOTHING else, lean on one something which will work most of the time.

So you walk by a work acquaintance, see him/her writing something. The next day, you say Hi and start with, I noticed your handwriting yesterday, have you ever had it analyzed? I'm not saying this type of thing will spark interest everytime, but I'd venture a guess that it might peak their interest just enough to start some kind of communication. Another type of "crutch" is reflexology. Learning about pressure points and flexibility to relieve stress. Stress is something a lot of people have, so why not use it to your advantage to get the ball rolling?

Well, Jerry's final thoughts go something like this, try going through a day with goals for whatever situation you find yourself in. Or try to make a goal which seems ALMOST impossible for that day and see what you can come up with. Hopefully it will get you thinking in terms of your personal success. Success is all a mind frame, and having a goal oriented mindset will frame your mind for success.

Cheers,
J