the dark alley of openness
Ever fall down the stairs? If so have you ever purposefully went and done it again knowing full well of the outcome? Seems like coming home this weekend has brought me to ask myself this question for the bazillionth time. Although something good did come from last nights gong show...64,190 points no Geometry Wars. I bested my previous record of 36,360. I got home around 3:30am and watched the remaining hour of I heart Huckabees. It would have been a fantastic movie except for the completely unnecessary sex seen and the "motherly" seen with Jude law in long blond hair. Despite those two scenes, Dustin Hoffman and Mark Wahlberg were amazing.
Anyway, last night hurt in more ways than one. Just when you think you've got control over temptations, for me it seems like something just clicks off and back down we go. And then tonight, being Good Friday, another trip up, only it fell like i was pushed off of a friggin mountain. Over the last year I've found I view these "slip-ups" as self-depreciating. I know who I'm letting down when it happens, but, recently I've really taken a personal reaction to it/them. It almost feels like I'm beginning to see my life as finite and the more crap i get into the more worthless i feel because there isn't much time left. Also, I've been finding my view of humanity very narrowed. For example, I thought up this theory which goes a litle something like this...If every time we learn something a new neural connection is made in our brain, what if all the information that is possibly attainable has it's own unique connection. This leads me to think that all we have to do is find a way to generate these unique pathway connections and learning will be a thing of the past. Now when I thought of this I thought I was really onto something(and i still partly think I am). But here's my own personal conflict with the theory. Why are we living to "experience" new things if the possibility of knowing them are already available within us. Janice argued with me that environmental pressures lead to how someone grows and learns. That may be true. But if we can overcome those pressures by some type of laboratory technique, good-bye uneducated people, good-bye poverty, good-bye everything you could think of.
Another odd thing i'm experiencing is if I ask myself an internal question, I can usually get a quick response. For example, "is God real?" -- "Yes". But i'm finding that after these internal responses I am asking myself "Is that what you really believe?". One that's been on my mind quite a bit is "does eternity really exist?" --- "Sure"-"why does it exist?"
It's like I'm splite apart into two distinct personalities.
1. Gut, instant answer
2. Why do I have this gut answer and can it be trusted
As for tonight, someone please pray for my wandering mind. Things seem to be spinning out of control yet again. And also for a job this summer, I've applied at a few places and am really looking forward to hearing back soon. I want to make some real money so I'm not totally dependent on my parents next year.
And on a happier note, I recently have been reading friends of friends' blogsites. There is one, White Noise, which has a girl in a too well known situation for all of us actually taking action towards her goal. It made me smile and seemed to be a glimmer in the darkness spreading from Mordor.
FInally, a common thread I've found this week among blog sites is "Why is it called 'Good' Friday?" I don't really have an exact answer except that there's this dude named Jesus who died in probably the most humiliating and painful way on this day a while ago. Then after they buried him He decided to wake up and set the world in motion so we have a fighting chance at receiving something better than any material good can offer. Life, and life to it's fullest. Sounds crazy that someone who died just got up and left the place he was buried, eh? Check Him out and see how crazy some of the stuff He said actually was...Don't build your house on sand near water. Seems like good advice to me.
Night all,
Buckstarrr
ps
anyone else played geometry wars?
Anyway, last night hurt in more ways than one. Just when you think you've got control over temptations, for me it seems like something just clicks off and back down we go. And then tonight, being Good Friday, another trip up, only it fell like i was pushed off of a friggin mountain. Over the last year I've found I view these "slip-ups" as self-depreciating. I know who I'm letting down when it happens, but, recently I've really taken a personal reaction to it/them. It almost feels like I'm beginning to see my life as finite and the more crap i get into the more worthless i feel because there isn't much time left. Also, I've been finding my view of humanity very narrowed. For example, I thought up this theory which goes a litle something like this...If every time we learn something a new neural connection is made in our brain, what if all the information that is possibly attainable has it's own unique connection. This leads me to think that all we have to do is find a way to generate these unique pathway connections and learning will be a thing of the past. Now when I thought of this I thought I was really onto something(and i still partly think I am). But here's my own personal conflict with the theory. Why are we living to "experience" new things if the possibility of knowing them are already available within us. Janice argued with me that environmental pressures lead to how someone grows and learns. That may be true. But if we can overcome those pressures by some type of laboratory technique, good-bye uneducated people, good-bye poverty, good-bye everything you could think of.
Another odd thing i'm experiencing is if I ask myself an internal question, I can usually get a quick response. For example, "is God real?" -- "Yes". But i'm finding that after these internal responses I am asking myself "Is that what you really believe?". One that's been on my mind quite a bit is "does eternity really exist?" --- "Sure"-"why does it exist?"
It's like I'm splite apart into two distinct personalities.
1. Gut, instant answer
2. Why do I have this gut answer and can it be trusted
As for tonight, someone please pray for my wandering mind. Things seem to be spinning out of control yet again. And also for a job this summer, I've applied at a few places and am really looking forward to hearing back soon. I want to make some real money so I'm not totally dependent on my parents next year.
And on a happier note, I recently have been reading friends of friends' blogsites. There is one, White Noise, which has a girl in a too well known situation for all of us actually taking action towards her goal. It made me smile and seemed to be a glimmer in the darkness spreading from Mordor.
FInally, a common thread I've found this week among blog sites is "Why is it called 'Good' Friday?" I don't really have an exact answer except that there's this dude named Jesus who died in probably the most humiliating and painful way on this day a while ago. Then after they buried him He decided to wake up and set the world in motion so we have a fighting chance at receiving something better than any material good can offer. Life, and life to it's fullest. Sounds crazy that someone who died just got up and left the place he was buried, eh? Check Him out and see how crazy some of the stuff He said actually was...Don't build your house on sand near water. Seems like good advice to me.
Night all,
Buckstarrr
ps
anyone else played geometry wars?
posted by BMF at
10:34 PM
2 Comments:
Buck,
Hey thanks for the blog shout-out. Glad I could be a glimmer.
-bec
By
bex, at 3:08 PM
hey buck, you'll always be a friend. and i'll pray for you. always have since the days of homestar runner. im sorry that i tried to be wise in a comment on rebecca's site. i dont even know rebecca, i was just making conversation. oh well, i won't bash you and crigger even though you guys bashed me (and if it was humour, im sorry. cant tell on the internet.) peace out
By
Anonymous, at 6:21 PM
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